American comedian (1908-2002)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
MILTON BERLE
attributed, For Better and For Worse: The Best Quotes about Marriage
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
MILTON BERLE
attributed, POWER Optimism
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
MILTON BERLE
attributed, Humor from the Net
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!"
MILTON BERLE
attributed, Los Angeles Magazine, Jun. 2005
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
I'll show you a lucky man--his secretary's lipstick is the same color as his wife's!
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
Nostalgia is longing for a place you'd never move back to.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
Laughter is an instant vacation.
MILTON BERLE
attributed, The Educator's Book of Quotes
I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
MILTON BERLE
interview for It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
You know you're in L.A. when you put air in your tires and they cough.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
Bagel: a doughnut dipped in cement, a Jewish brass-knuckle.
MILTON BERLE
The Terre Haute Star, March 28, 1958
God isn't dead. He's just getting a second opinion.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
When he got a divorce, he and his wife split the house. He got the outside.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
MILTON BERLE
attributed, Seeds of Happiness
What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
MILTON BERLE
attributed, sComedy
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because
a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star.
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been,
by far; for a might-have been has never been,
but a has was once an are.
MILTON BERLE
attributed, The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Inspirational Quotes
Divorce is the future tense of marriage.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
Repartee is what you wish you'd said.
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
MILTON BERLE
attributed, quotefancy
I pay my alimony on the button. I'm afraid that if I don't, my ex-wife will repossess me!
MILTON BERLE
Milton Berle's Private Joke File